How Do Court
Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges
were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He
said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My
name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci
sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No,
I just lie there.
ATTORNEY:
What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or
thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually
pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like
your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting
me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your
Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By
death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take
a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He
was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless
the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No,
this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All
of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The
autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If
not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are
you qualified to ask that question?
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because
his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes,
it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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